Deciding about Disclosure: Always your choice
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Deciding whether to disclose a history of childhood sexual abuse is an important decision in an adult survivor’s life. If you are an adult survivor: You get to choose if and when you tell, who you tell and how much you share. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and don’t have to share beyond your comfort level. Many survivors find that telling a trusted person and getting appropriate support is a real turning point in their lives.
Like healing, disclosure can be a process. An adult survivor may choose to share a little at a time and watch for the reaction. If they feel safe to continue, they may share more at that time or later. They may decide to tell different people at different times.
Reasons survivors may not disclose
The decision to disclose child sexual abuse can be confusing and difficult. Adult survivors may choose not to disclose their abuse for years, sometimes even decades.
Some reasons survivors may have chosen in the past or present not to disclose their abuse include:
- Being afraid that no one will believe them
- Fearing retaliation from the abuser
- Were told pets, siblings, or parents would be injured or killed if they told
- Were told they would be in trouble if they told
- Questioned if what happened was really sexual abuse
- Were told it was their fault because they were bad, or a manipulative abuser told them they agreed to it
- Were ashamed they might have ‘let’ it happen or didn’t say no
- Hoped someone would find out and help
- Told before, and no one helped
- Feared something bad would happen to their abuser, who they loved and depended upon
Reasons to consider disclosing
Giving words to what occurred and honoring your own truth is a vital step in being able to find supportive services and connecting with other adult survivors. If you are beginning your healing journey, there may be situations where disclosing a history of sexual abuse could be helpful.
Some reasons adult survivors choose to disclose their abuse include:
- Want the truth to be shared
- To protect others from continued abuse
- To seek justice through a criminal or civil justice system
- To connect with services for adult survivors
- No longer needing or wanting to protect people who harmed them
People to whom adult survivors may want to disclose, include:
- A therapist or other helping provider
- A new or current romantic relationship because it’s important for your partner to understand your experience
- Family members or friends who were involved in your life at the time of the abuse, but were not aware of what happened
- Medical or dental personnel, especially when uncomfortable procedures are involved
- Current friends or family members who you trust will believe and support you
It may be helpful to start your disclosure while you have additional support, like counseling or therapy, or another supportive environment. Responses you deserve to hear might include the following:
- “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
- “It wasn’t your fault.”
- “You didn’t deserve it.”
- “How can I support you in your healing process?”
- “It is safe to open up to me about these experiences.”
- “I respect and honor whatever you would like to share with me.”
- Reflect afterward to process what parts of disclosing felt good and what felt difficult.
Questions to consider
When considering disclosing abuse, here are some questions to think about:
- Why am I disclosing?
- What do I hope to accomplish?
- What responses do I expect?
- Who will I share this with?
- Will they believe me?
- Will they support me?
- Will they keep my confidence?
- What do they know about childhood sexual abuse?
- When will I share this?
- Where am I in my healing process?
- What will help me feel safe when I disclose?
- What resources and support do I have?
- Who can I call?
- Where can I go?
- How can I care for myself?
Preparing for difficult responses
Every survivor who discloses should receive belief, care and support. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and adult survivors may want to prepare for unhelpful or hurtful responses. You can talk to your therapist or another supportive person in your life to plan what to do if this happens.
Remember: Someone’s else’s reaction to what you are sharing is a reflection on them and their capacity to respond. It does not reflect on the validity or importance of your truth.
Loved ones or friends may be ill-informed about childhood sexual abuse or uncomfortable speaking about this issue. You may face disbelief, denial, or minimization of your experience. People may change the subject or keep asking questions because they don’t know how to respond.
You can ask for what you need and provide information on how others can support you. You can try saying something like, “I’d like to share something important with you about my life. When I do, you may not know how to respond and that’s ok. I can also share the types of responses that would feel supportive to me and point you towards resources where you can learn more if you’re interested. Would that be ok with you?”
The person you’re speaking with has the choice to say no, and you can accept that. They may be unable or unwilling to support you in the way you need, and you can accept that, too. If you don’t receive what you’re asking, it’s your decision whether you want to keep them as a close person in your life. Especially if those in your life aren’t supportive, please seek help from professionals who can support in you in your healing journey. You deserve this support. Every survivor does.
Considerations for disclosing to family members if the abuse happened in your family
Statistics show that 90% of sexual abuse happens by someone the child knows and trusts and about 60% of abuse happens within the family. For an adult survivor to disclose childhood sexual abuse, the family is asked to confront difficult truths they may not have known about or been willing to acknowledge before.
Family members may deny the abuse occurred and disbelieve or discredit the person who is coming forward about the abuse. In some cases, they may protect the family member who has abused a child and lash out at the family member who was victimized.
These are all intense defense mechanisms by a family that has operated with abusive dynamics in place for many years. They can be difficult for a survivor of intrafamilial abuse to face and move through. Working with a professional trained in intrafamilial abuse is an important way to receive support when considering disclosure.
Read more about intrafamilial abuse
Understanding mandatory reporting
If you are 18 or older, many service providers can usually keep information you disclose about abuse that happened before you were 18 confidential. They will never tell anyone else about it without your written consent. This includes mental and behavioral health professionals (like therapists, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists) and community-based victim advocates.
There are some exceptions. If you disclose that the person who sexually abused you has current access to children, they may be required to report that information to law enforcement or Human Services. This is called mandatory reporting and these laws exist to protect children. Exact laws vary by state and the provider may need information about the current location of the abuser or the children they currently have access to.
If you suspect that children you know are being sexually abused, you can report your concern to local law enforcement where the children live or call:
- National Child Abuse Hotline at 800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453), any time 24/7
- Colorado Child Abuse and Neglect Hotline: 844-CO4-Kids (844-264-5437), any time 24/7