Intrafamilial sexual abuse or Incest  

In 90% of cases, childhood sexual abuse happens to a child by an older child, youth or adult, someone the child knows and trusts. As often as 60% of the time, sexual abuse happens by someone to whom the child is related and may depend upon for care. This is called intrafamilial sexual abuse, or incest. 

Contrary to stereotypes and myths that may claim that incest is “taboo” and therefore rare, if we understand the dynamics of childhood sexual abuse, it is easy to see why it is very common within family systems. Those who sexually abuse children often abuse children to whom they have access. This often means children who are in their home or whom they may see regularly at family functions. 

Many families who follow strict gender roles where the male head of the household has automatic authority and power “over” his wife and children may be ripe with the conditions for gender-based violence to occur (this means individuals who are deemed less valuable due to their gender or perceived level of power may be taken advantage of by those deemed to have more power or control).  

When the physical, emotional and relational needs of all members of a family are not honored equally, and when violence, abuse and objectification are woven into the fabric of what constitutes “traditional” family life, domestic violence (physical and emotional abuse) and sexual violence (of children and adults) often happens within families “behind closed doors.” 

Examples of Incest

In this way, childhood sexual abuse is often passed down intergenerationally. This could look like a grandfather abusing his children and his children’s children; an uncle abusing his nieces or nephews, a sibling abusing his sister or brother, re-enacting what his father may have done to him.

Given that so many children are sexually abused, when they grow up to be adults and form relationships, they may unconsciously engage in or fail to see patterns of abuse until someone in the family comes forward with the truth of what has been happening.

Unfortunately, it is very common in this instance that the person who has been victimized is made to feel as if they are wrong for telling the truth. They may face harmful victim-blaming tactics and be disbelieved, silenced or even shunned. This is why it is so important to believe survivors who come forward. They may be facing intense pressure by those closest to them to stay wounded, hurt and quiet.  

Children cannot give consent

There is a myth or stereotype that incest is somehow “consensual.” Children and minors can never give consent to adults or other children with more power. When abuse has been occurring for generations, there may be thinking errors that many family members have adopted which contribute to this pattern.

There may be unspoken rules that set the tone for family life. These might include: “Children are to be seen and not heard. Women and children should do as the head of the household tells them. It’s more important how things look to others on the outside, rather than how things actually are or feel, within the family.”   

What is the Cycle of Childhood Sexual Abuse?

It is very important to note that most people who are sexually abused as children do not go on to become sexual abusers themselves; in fact, that number is very low. However, research does indicate that incest can be a pattern that repeats in a family system over many generations.

While those who are sexually abused may not go on to replicate that exact pattern, they may experience challenges to their mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and relational well-being. As a result, unhealthy cycles may arise in their lives, such as a failure to recognize risk-based behavior of others with whom they interact or accepting the belief that those who love you have a right to harm you. This may make their own children more vulnerable to sexual abuse by those with whom they are partnered or to friends or extended family members who they include in their circle of trust.

You can be a Generational Pattern Breaker

Being the “pattern breaker” takes extraordinary courage and requires substantial support from professionals and friends to move through an unsupportive family’s response to abuse. Unfortunately, its common for families to side with the person who abused children rather than the person who was victimized, which leads many adult survivors to have ruptured relationships with their families of origin. They often create families of choice with those who do believe and support their truth.

Stopping the cycle in their lives may mean choosing not to engage with their family members who remain fixated in denial and victim-blaming. It may mean learning how to create healthy lives and relationships where everyone’s safety and well-being is honored and everyone’s voice is heard.  

Wings was founded by and for survivors of intrafamilial sexual abuse. We honor survivors who are healing from this specific betrayal. Your needs matter. You deserve a process to heal. If those closest to you do not believe you, you are not alone. We are here for and with you on your journey to see, speak, heal and thrive.  

“It’s not that they didn’t believe that it happened; there were other victims. It’s that they acted like I had scraped my knee or something simple of that nature. They did not at all validate what the abuse did to me or support me in getting the help I needed and deserved. They told me I should just “get over it” and “aren’t we done with that?” – and that hurt just as much as the original abuse.”

– Incest Survivor, Wings Group Member