Responding to Disclosure
When a survivor tells us they were sexually abused as a child, we are being entrusted with a part of their life that is painful, frightening, and vulnerable. Our choice to provide support to them can make a huge difference in how they move forward in their healing journey.
We want to make sure you have the tools you need to feel safe, to listen with compassion and to take care of yourself and your own emotional needs, as you hold safe space for survivors to open up to you.
While it can feel uncomfortable or uneasy at first, everyone can learn the fundamentals of providing support to adult survivors. It’s as easy as A-B-C-D.
Here are the basics:
A – Acknowledge that the abuse happened and that this is a huge health issue in our culture
“Thank you for trusting me with that information. I know this happens to so many people in our world, unfortunately. You’re not alone in your experience.”
B – Believe the person telling you they were sexually abused
“ I’m so sorry that happened to you. It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve it.”
C – Connect with them in a safe, supportive way
“I’m so glad you’re addressing this issue in your life. You’re so courageous to do so.”
D – Demonstrate care by taking a supportive action
“I’m here if you need to talk. I’m honored to support you through this process. What can I do to be here for you?”
These types of statements show that you are safe, trusted person. If you want to take the full training on what survivors’ healing journeys are like and how to apply these skills, check out our Champions of Healing video series.
What not to say
There are many statements that people make that are not supportive of survivors. Here are some examples to avoid, or to correct, if you hear others saying them:
“That couldn’t have happened. The person you’re saying abused you is a nice person. They would never have done that.”
Fact: most people who abuse children are people who the child knows, trusts and often loves.
“You must have asked for it. You must have wanted it to happen.”
Fact: Children and youth can never give consent to sexual activity.
“It wasn’t that bad. You’re blowing this way out of proportion. It happened so long ago. Can’t you just get over it?”
Fact: Trauma that happens in childhood impacts us across the lifespan. Speaking up and talking about it is the right thing to do – at any age.
“I don’t believe you. You’re making that up. You’re delusional. I’m not listening to this.”
D-A-R-V-O: This is a particular type of response that abusers use. It stands for: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is when the person who abused a child plays the victim and tries to turn the person coming forward into the “attacker” to avoid being held accountable. It sounds like this:
“You are a bad person for making these accusations. I would never harm a child. YOU are the problem for bringing these issues up. You are tearing this family apart and if we never speak again, it will be your fault.”
Fact: It is extremely rare that any person who has been sexually abused or assaulted “makes up” what happened to them. It is very common that those who abuse children have thinking errors and are very manipulative in their behaviors and language. By learning the facts and staying grounded in supporting survivors, you can help change our culture from one that denies this issue to one that transforms it.
Notice your feelings
As you take in this information, you may find yourself flooded with emotions and responses including the following. Know that this is normal and there are coping resources you can engage to address these feelings.
If you need additional support to deal with these realities, you can reach out for support. We all need help sometimes when taking in things that are hard for us. We can all build greater capacity to hold space for this truth in our lives and in the world. You’re doing it already. Thank you for making that choice.
- Sadness
- Anger
- Stress
- Fear
- Tenseness in your body
- Dreams / Nightmares
- Enlightenment
- Connection
- Strength
- Empathy
- Empowerment